


do i run, do i fly?

by pensiveVisionary (hamburr)



Series: find my way home [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bodyswap, Dermatillomania, Fandom Trumps Hate, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 06:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10826127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr/pseuds/pensiveVisionary
Summary: The morning starts with an alarm clock, with fumbling to turn it off until it shuts up, with stumbling out of bed, bleary-eyed, pushing his hair out of his face --Wait. Pushing his hair out of his face?Aaron trips and almost smashes his face into the wall in his haste to get to a mirror.





	do i run, do i fly?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thinksideways](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinksideways/gifts).



> this is one thousand years late BUT HERE IT IS I HOPE YOU LIKE IT MY FRIEND
> 
> part one of three

The morning starts with an alarm clock, with fumbling to turn it off until it shuts up, with stumbling out of bed, bleary-eyed, pushing his hair out of his face --

Wait. Pushing his hair out of his face?

Aaron trips and almost smashes his face into the wall in his haste to get to a mirror.

The face that looks back at him is no one he’s ever seen before -- dark, shoulder-length hair; black eyes with exhausted shadows beneath them; tan skin; average height and average build --

Aaron tries very, very hard not to panic. He knows this happens, happens to most people; most people spend the time around their 20s waiting for the day they’ll wake up in their soulmate’s body, but it’s not like he was _planning_ to wake up in someone else’s body today, thank you very much, and he just hopes really hard that he’s not halfway across the world or something.

He goes back into the bedroom, and fishes through the blankets until he finds the cell phone. When he picks it up he taps out the passcode, _1776_ , just as habitually as he would his own phone.

Tries to remember what his own phone’s passcode is.

Finds he can’t; it’s been replaced by this guy’s.

With growing unease, he tries to remember who his boss is -- George Washington? -- where he works, what he does, where he lives, but the information he comes up with all feels wrong, a weird state between unfamiliar and instinctive.

He is startled out of his thoughts by a text message.

7:15 AM | John Laurens  
alex. dude. u awake yet??

Aaron has no idea what to do in this situation. He finds himself biting at the dead skin of his cuticles -- oh, gross, what a terrible nervous habit -- and drags his hand away from his mouth. He goes back to the kitchen, phone in hand, the need for caffeine overriding his worry.

Christ.

He turns on the coffee machine and stares at the text from this John Laurens. He scrolls up a little, trying to divine their relationship; the conversation from the previous night is some all-caps argument about some movie Aaron is not familiar with, but apparently this Alex and John have very strong feelings about. This tells him very little about their relationship, but very much about their personalities.

7:20 AM | John Laurens  
alexander goddamn hamilton answer me right this minute or i’m gonna come over and kick ur door down i have VERY IMPORTANT NEWS

Aaron puts off answering until he’s taken a sip of his coffee.

7:25 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
Sorry, I’m afraid that you’re not going to be able to reach Alexander because we got swapped today. I’m Aaron.

7:26 AM | John Laurens  
DUDE HOLY FUCKING SHIT

7:27 AM | John Laurens  
ok take ur time i’ll see you/meet you at work then?? i’ll let people know so they don’t treat you like alex straight off the bat lmfaoo

7:29 AM | Alexander Hamilton  
That’s not exactly reassuring.

7:30 AM | John Laurens  
:P

Aaron doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he just proceeds with breakfast, then goes back to the bathroom to shower. He feels a little awkward about this, about taking off Alexander’s clothes and being exposed to Alexander’s body without his consent. Feels really weird about the idea that somewhere, Alexander is doing the same with his body.

He tries not to look too close, but it’s not exactly like he could shower and get dressed without noticing the obvious things. He’s a cisgender guy, with a little bit of softness around the middle, but not bad to look at. He looks exhausted; dark, permanent-looking circles beneath his eyes and terrible slouchy posture. As he is buttoning his shirt, he notices fading bruises on his collarbone that look suspiciously like hickeys.

He pushes away his concern, figures this John guy will probably tell him if Alexander is dating someone, and gathers his things together. Getting ready to leave, he notes the pain in his wrists -- carpal tunnel, or something, maybe? tendinitis? who knows -- and again wonders just what exactly this guy is like.

 

As soon as he walks into work a guy with freckles and curly hair slings his arm around his shoulders, grinning ear to ear. Aaron tries not to flinch away.

“I’m John,” he says cheerfully.

“I figured,” says Aaron, and John laughs.

“God, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Alex’s face so serious in my whole life!” John says. Aaron attempts a smile, but this appears to just amuse John further. “Okay. I told a bunch of people and they’re all super excited to meet you so c’mon, let’s go.”

“Uh,” says Aaron. “How many people, exactly?”

John pauses. “Dude, are you shy?”

Aaron frowns at him.

“Sorry, sorry, I just can’t get over the faces you’re making, you’re so damn serious, is that like, how you always are?”

Aaron does not feel like answering questions about his overarching personality traits, so instead he says, “You might as well just introduce me to everyone and get it over with.”

So John, looking entirely too pleased with himself, leads Aaron off to his office, arm still around his shoulders.

It is veritably packed with people, and Aaron’s heart rate picks up when they all look at him. He can’t keep up with all the names being thrown at him, they all run together -- George Washington Hercules Mulligan something something something something Lafayette Eliza Schuyler Maria Reynolds oh and Peggy Schuyler -- and there are too many things, too many loud things too many people talking too much noise and Aaron’s only ever felt this overstimulated on really, really bad anxiety days but he feels like he’s about to bolt from the room and lock himself in the first dark closet he finds.

John appears to see something in his face, then, because he pretty hastily disbands the gathering under the excuse of “okay well we should probably like do productive things instead of scaring the shit out of this poor man” and then himself leaves, squeezing Aaron’s shoulder in a way that is probably meant to be reassuring.

Aaron has to put his head down on his desk and go through all the breathing exercises he knows before he stops feeling so overwhelmed. Does Alex feel like this every time he’s in a loud group of people, or did Aaron’s aversion to those situations trigger an anxiety response in his brain in a way it wouldn’t have under his own body’s circumstances?

He spends another half hour running google searches, but finds that -- of course -- mental illness and soulmate swaps are an underrepresented field of study, and there’s a lot of contradictory findings. Aaron supposes it makes sense, it would be hard to study when one could potentially meet their soulmate and swap back at any moment, and it’s really all kind of abstract anyway, but… he would like to know if this is going to happen again.

Sources say it might, and that’s the only conclusion he has reached before his concentration is shattered by someone tapping on the door of his office.

“Come in,” says Aaron, warily.

It’s John again, looking a little awkward. “Hey. Sorry for throwing you to the sharks like that.”

Aaron shrugs.

“No, seriously -- are you okay, dude?”

Aaron shrugs again. “Is this a common thing for him?” he finally says, feeling like the words are an effort, heavy in his mouth.

John slides into the chair across from Aaron. “Kind of, but it’s not usually triggered by being around a lot of people. Is that something you bring with you, like, social anxiety sort of thing?”

Aaron half-shrugs, but nods.

“Probably a combination of the biological stuff and the stuff that you bring with you. It’s super fucking interesting, I wanted to go into med school for this stuff, but --” He cuts himself off, clears his throat self-consciously. “Anyway. Probably would help you to know what you’re trying to handle, right?”

Aaron is unsure, worried about breaching Alexander’s privacy again. John seems to sense his discomfort.

“It’s not like he keeps it a secret. Alex is not a secretive person, and he makes a point of being successful and being queer and mentally ill. -- I realize I forgot to ask, do you have experience with mental illness yourself?”

“Anxiety and depression,” Aaron says shortly. “And. never mind.”

“So the anxiety stuff makes sense -- you share that. He’s autistic and has ADHD, and -- some other stuff. I’unno, there’s a lot of sensory stuff, so keep that in mind, and --”

“I’m not going to lie, I feel really weird about talking about someone else’s mental health without them knowing about it.”

“It’s your mental health too, at the moment,” John points out -- or argues, Aaron’s not quite sure. “You’re saddled with his brain chemistry; you’re going to respond to things in the way he naturally would. This might mean you have, like, both your triggers and his, which super sucks, but hopefully it won’t be for long?”

Aaron hadn’t thought about that. “What if it does take a long time?”

“Reports say that as time goes on you begin to recover more of your own memories about your own life, so you have more indication of where you should be looking. It’ll be okay, man, honestly. We’ve got your back.”

Aaron nods. He sees that he’s unconsciously picked at the skin around his fingernails to the point of bleeding, and he sighs. John follows his gaze, and wordlessly gets up and opens a drawer in Alexander’s desk, fishes out a box of band-aids. He gives Aaron a sympathetic little smile.

“Do you want me to hang around or do you want some alone time?”

“The latter, if that’s all right.”

“Of course. Just shoot me a text if you need me. I’ll make sure no one bugs you.”

Aaron nods, and John takes his leave, closing the door behind him. Aaron deliberates for a moment, as he deals with his bleeding fingers, then pulls up Facebook. So much for not breaching his privacy.

His name is Alexander Hamilton, and his profile seems to consist mainly of long-winded political rants and selfies with his friends. The people on the outskirts of the friend groups shuffle from picture to picture, but Alexander, John, Hercules, and Lafayette seem to be inseparable. There are a few pictures of Alexander and John kissing each other -- two times on the cheek, one of them laughing with their lips inches apart -- and with a jolt of anxiety it occurs to him wonder if _John_ and Alexander are dating.

He scrolls back up to the top, to check Alexander’s relationship status. It says single, but then again not everyone puts their relationships on Facebook. He scrolls back to the nearest post with John tagged in it, and goes to his profile to check what his says; it says he’s in a relationship, but not who he’s dating.

Aaron touches his fingers to the base of his neck, where he can feel the fading bruises left by someone else’s mouth. He checks Alexander’s Twitter, next, but there is more of the same; long threads of more angry political rants and selfies with his friends.

He resurfaces from his social media investigation sometime after four PM, and, having wasted a good portion of his day with all this, he figures he’s done enough time in the office, and wonders if he can slip out just a little early to try and pull himself together, try and process things. He gathers his things and quietly opens his door. There are not a lot of people around; a few people are in their offices working, but mostly it seems other people have ducked out a little early or are occupied elsewhere in the building. He manages to leave unaccosted, and is hit with a wave of relief when he walks out the door.

He is grateful to get back to his -- Alexander’s -- apartment, but finds himself antsy with nothing to do. He spends more time flipping through social media, but finds himself bored by that soon enough. He turns on the TV, but can’t pay attention to that either, jittery and anxious.

7:35 PM | John Laurens  
yo laf herc & i are going out for dinner & drinks if you want to come with? no obligation but it’d be cool 2 get to know alex’s soulmate better :P

7:38 PM | John Laurens  
we’ll go someplace not too crowded/loud if that helps

Oh, what the hell. Why not. It’s not like he’s doing anything productive fidgeting his way around the apartment, anyway, and he might as well try and get to know these people.

7:40 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
Sure, when?

7:42 PM | John Laurens  
like nowish lmao? we’ll swing by ur place in abt 10 mins if that’s cool

7:45 PM | Alexander Hamilton  
Okay, see you soon.

Exactly ten minutes later, there is the sound of several people knocking on the door at the same time, and Aaron finishes tying his shoe and opens the door. The three of them are standing there with matching grins: Lafayette the long-named, Hercules, and John.

“Shall we go?” Lafayette says, holding out his arm for someone to take. Hercules links his arm through Lafayette’s, grinning, and Aaron steps outside of the apartment. He locks the door behind him, and then off they go, a spirited journey for spirits.

The three of them are vibrant, loud, full of energy, playful arguments and playful scuffles. When Aaron flinches at a stray elbow in his ribs, though, they notice, and reign it in. They get to where they’re going, and upon their arrival, they run into Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy. They tacitly decide to merge their groups, and Aaron ends up squished in a booth between Hercules and Eliza. Hercules is warm, like a space heater, and wiggly; he is next to Lafayette, and the two of them continue their nudging and elbowing just enough for Aaron to feel constantly a little jostled.

Aaron elects not to drink, having glanced over the labels of the medicines Alexander takes as part of his wandering around the house, and he knows from his own experiences with antidepressants to be careful about mixing medicines and alcohol. So he gets a salad and a water, and then everyone stares at him like he’s grown an extra head.

“What?”

“So _responsible_ ,” says Angelica, and then laughs.

Aaron isn’t sure, but he feels very much like he’s being made fun of, and his face feels very warm. Eliza pats his arm -- he tries not to startle, and partway succeeds -- and when everyone else’s attention has moved on, she says, “She’s just teasing. Alex would probably have gotten, like, pizza and a beer or something, and it’s just a little funny to see someone who looks exactly like Alex all quiet and serious, that’s all. She’s not trying to be mean.”

“Thanks,” says Aaron, and means it. Eliza smiles at him, and he finds himself able to smile back.

“Yo, Aaron, bro, question for you,” says Hercules.

“Yes?”

“Super important: do you want to share a thing of breadsticks with me?”

The only possible answer to that is “of course,” and Hercules’s face lights up with a smile. His eyes crinkle, and for all his bulk and muscle, his smile is definitely the smile of a kind man.

“I’ll even pay,” Hercules offers.

“Oh shit,” John puts in, “he never offers to pay, dude, what the fuck, you really are something special.”

“I never pay because we never share! You like your breadsticks with pepperoni in them, you heathen. I’m a vegetarian,” he adds for Aaron’s benefit. “Plus, this poor dude just got his life turned upside down today, he deserves people buying him shit,” he says to John.

“If people are buying shit for other people, who wants to buy me chocolate cake for dessert?” Peggy chips in.

There is a resounding chorus of “no one” and “not me.”

“Aww, come on, you guys are the worst.” Peggy pouts.

“No, you’re just opportunistic and don’t want to pay for your own food,” Angelica says.

“Hey!”

The two siblings dissolve into squabbling, and the trio of Alexander’s friends have already been re-absorbed into conversation, and Aaron looks at Eliza helplessly. She gives him a sympathetic little smile.

“They’re kind of a lot,” she says, a little apologetically.

“So I’ve noticed,” Aaron says, glancing around at them all.

“They’re good people, though. Just a lot to take in at once. I’ve been in your shoes before, and don’t worry, you’ll find your footing soon enough. Everyone’s really happy for you, and I really hope it works out for you and Alexander. He’s a pretty good guy. A lot of personality, but, y’know, just like the others, he really has a good heart.”

“You know him well, then?”

Eliza goes a little pink. “We dated in college.”

“Oh! I --”

“No, don’t worry! That was a long time ago and we’re happily friends now. I’m engaged to Maria, actually -- you met her today, but probably don’t remember, which is totally okay because there were a lot of people! I’m sure you’ll meet her eventually. But, yeah, you can pester me with questions about him, I don’t mind at all. I know this is all really overwhelming.”

“Have you… have you swapped, with her?”

“Yeah,” says Eliza, lowering her voice, glancing away. “I don’t really want to say much about it, ‘cause it’s her business, but there was a lot going on in her life at the time. A different kind of overwhelming, for sure, but -- I think no matter what situation you’re in it’s stressful to get parked in someone else’s life. I think most of the people at this table have stories they’d be a bit more willing to share than mine, actually, if you asked.”

They are distracted by their food arriving; Hercules and Aaron’s breadsticks are in a basket of five, and Hercules carefully divides the fifth breadstick in half, so that there is an even split. Hercules and John pick up their bickering about pepperoni and breadsticks, and Aaron tunes out of the conversation, not having a strong opinion either way.

“Aaron. Hey. Hello? Aaron. Aaaaaaaron.” Aaron blinks and looks at Angelica.

“What’s up?”

“We’re taking a poll: chocolate cake or cheesecake?”

“Chocolate,” he says, and Peggy goes _hah!_ and Angelica heaves a dramatic sigh.

“None of you appreciate the good things in life,” she laments, and Peggy giggles.

“You’re just pretentious! Chocolate cake is too _pedestrian_.”

“False accusations. Lies and slander.”

“Are they always like this?” Aaron mumbles to Eliza.

“Yes. Family gatherings are… lively. It’s all very loving, but very loud. It’s nice to have you here.”

“I’m always down for making snide comments from outside the conversation,” Aaron says, and Eliza laughs.

“Finally, someone who understands me!”

 

The evening slowly winds down after that; Peggy offers to share some of her cake with Aaron, which ends up being the tiniest bite known to humankind. The Schuyler trio has other obligations after, so they leave, and the rest of them head out shortly after. The others are a little tipsy, but it shows up in laughter with bad volume control and arms slung around shoulders.

They walk together, Aaron trailing a half-step behind and observing the other three. Hercules’s arm is around Lafayette’s waist, and Lafayette is laughing and coming up with bad pickup line after bad pickup line. Hercules seems genuinely charmed, and at one of them -- “I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me instead?” -- he bursts into laughter and kisses Lafayette’s cheek. Lafayette beams.

“You guys are gross,” John says, elbowing Hercules. Hercules elbows him back, still grinning, and winks at him. John sticks his tongue out in return. They seem to have all but forgotten that Aaron is there, which suits him well enough; he’s tired from a long day of being social.

When he goes to say goodbye, Hercules steps forward and then stops himself. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

Aaron is so surprised that he can’t do anything but nod, and he finds himself with his face in Hercules’s chest. He is tall and warm and strong, and when Aaron hugs him back he squeezes him just a little tighter, then lets go.

“Dork,” says John, to Hercules. He smiles at Aaron, winks at him. “See you.”

“See you,” Aaron echoes. Lafayette waves, and then they part ways.

 

The next day is Saturday, and he wakes up to his phone vibrating so much that he only barely catches it before it falls to the floor.

John Laurens | 9:59 AM  
HEY GROUP CHAT

John Laurens | 9:59 AM  
since our party got larger than anticipated last night i thought we could party today instead

John Laurens | 10:00 AM  
if that is amenable to all

John Laurens | 10:00 AM  
idk where tho

John Laurens | 10:01 AM  
my apartment is a disaster area lmao

Hercules Mulligan | 10:02 AM  
So is mine it’s like 12 closets exploded

John Laurens | 10:02 AM  
dude stop taking so many clothes commissions then how do you even have time

Hercules Mulligan | 10:03 AM  
I don’t

Blahblahblah Lafayette | 10:04  
He stays up until 3 am sewing. I know this because he did it last night

Hercules Mulligan | 10:04 AM  
Ok whatever

John Laurens | 10:05 AM  
so laf ur at herc’s?

Blahblahblah Lafayette | 10:05 AM  
Yep

Blahblahblah Lafayette | 10:05 AM  
Would rather not go back to my place because my roommate had someone over last night. Ugh

Blahblahblah Lafayette | 10:06 AM  
Idk if they’re gone

John Laurens | 10:06 AM  
ok that’s fair

John Laurens | 10:07 AM  
idk how aaron would feel about us invading his space so soon so i guess one of us should probably clean up

John Laurens | 10:08 AM  
if he wants to hang that is

John Laurens | 10:08 AM  
time 2 wait for him to wake up

Alexander Hamilton | 10:09 AM  
I’m awake, thank you.

John Laurens | 10:09 AM  
oops

John Laurens | 10:10 AM  
how’d you sleep?

Alexander Hamilton | 10:11 AM  
Fine. I don’t mind if you guys come over here if that makes things easier, just give me time to get ready first.

John Laurens | 10:12 AM  
sweet how about we show up around noon and bring lunch?

Alexander Hamilton | 10:13 AM  
Sounds good.

Blahblahblah Lafayette | 10:14 AM  
Nice. See you soon

John Laurens | 10:14 AM  
cool cool

Hercules Mulligan | 10:15 AM  
See you in a bit!

Aaron drags himself out of bed, groggy and unfocused. He goes to the kitchen to make coffee and find something to eat, then showers, and by the time he’s dressed he feels slightly more alive. He has a nagging feeling of forgetting to do something, but he flips through his email and his messages and there’s nothing he’s supposed to have done.

_The cats! I forgot to feed the cats!_

Aaron blinks, shakes his head, the force of the epiphany stunning him for a moment. Alexander doesn’t have cats, though -- it’s his own cats that he feels like he forgot to feed. He shivers, unnerved by this sudden recollection, and also by the fact that he had forgotten his cats. He has three of them, they have funny names with stories behind them and they’re _just on the tip of his tongue_ but he can’t reach them.

He flops on the couch and tries to remember, but the harder he thinks about it the more the names seem to evade him. He’s driven himself close to anxiety by the time Alexander’s friends arrive, and he almost falls off the couch in his surprise when they knock.. He gets up and opens the door for them; they have sandwiches and coffee and look just as pleased to see him as before.

They plop down on the living room floor as if by habit, completely ignoring the fact that there is a perfectly functional table in the kitchen, and Aaron sits down with them, a little awkwardly.

John, sprawled on his back, looks up at Aaron. “So how’s it going? Better than yesterday?”

“I guess,” says Aaron, who has not been awake long enough to cast judgment.

“It’s a lot to take in,” Hercules says. “I know my situation certainly was.” He exchanges a look with Lafayette, who is barely repressing a fit of giggles.

John snorts. “I’ll say.”

“It’s not _my_ fault you ended up in France!” Lafayette says.

“It is, actually,” John points out.

“Completely your fault,” Hercules agrees.

“Okay, but you were in my brain, so you could speak French so it wasn’t that big of a deal,” Lafayette says, and he’s -- looking at John?

“Am I missing something?” asks Aaron.

“Oh! Sorry. Poly soulmate shit is complicated, John went to Laf, Laf went to me, and I went to John.”

“I -- I thought -- what? I thought you were dating Alexander!” Aaron says to John, who looks at Aaron in surprise for a moment, then bursts out laughing.

“No, dude, we’re just friends. With the occasional benefit, okay, but we aren’t dating! The three of us have been together for a couple years now.”

“That must have been a production to figure out,” Aaron says, looking between the three of them.

“God, you don’t even _know_. Lafayette’s from France, I’m from South Carolina, Herc is from New York -- it took ages for us to remember enough to manage to get ourselves in the same place. How long was it, like, at least a year?”

“A year?” Aaron echoes.

“And a half, I think,” Lafayette says. “But I’m sure it won’t be so long for you!” he adds quickly, at the look on Aaron’s face. “It’s a lot less complicated with two people. If you start remembering things soon enough, it might not take long at all.”

“I remembered I have cats,” Aaron says, looking at the floor. “Three of them. But I can’t remember their names.”

“I bet their names come next,” Hercules says. “The same thing happened to me.”

“You have cats?”

“No. A rabbit.”

The image of Hercules cradling a small, soft bunny in his hands fills Aaron with unexpected warmth and affection.

“I have pictures,” Hercules says, thrusting his phone in Aaron’s direction, and it is just as Aaron pictured: a brown and white little rabbit held gently against Hercules’s chest; it is framed such that all that can be seen of Hercules’s face is his broad smile.

“What’s its name?” Aaron asks.

“S’more,” Hercules says, almost shyly. “She’s cute, isn’t she?”

“Very.”

Hercules smiles the same broad smile as his photograph. “You’ll have to meet her soon, then.”

“She’s the softest creature on the planet,” John puts in. “And super chill. She doesn’t even mind Laf’s dog.”

“You have a dog?”

Hercules answers Aaron’s question by holding out his phone again; this time, it’s a picture of John’s freckled hand petting a basset hound.

“His name is Oeuf,” Lafayette says.

“He drools everywhere and his name means egg and I love him,” Hercules says.

“He’s a good dog,” John agrees, lying down on the floor, putting his head in Hercules’s lap. Hercules absentmindedly strokes John’s hair as he takes his phone back and focuses his attention on it, texting or scrolling through Twitter or who knows what.

Aaron suddenly, intensely, wants to be home with his cats. It’s raining outside, with thunderstorms predicted later, and this makes him very antsy for some reason. He wants to curl up beneath a blanket and not feel vaguely uncomfortable around these people he barely knows and be alone for a minute but they just got here he can’t ask them to leave, so he just unlocks his phone and scrolls through his emails without actually looking at anything.

“You okay?” Lafayette asks, shifting a little closer.

Aaron shrugs. “Tired,” he says, noncommittally.

“We can put on a movie or something so you don’t feel obligated to talk too much,” John suggests from his residence in Hercules’s lap, and that’s as reasonable of an offer as anything, so Aaron agrees and they set about choosing a movie. Aaron claims the far right side of the couch as his territory, tucking himself against the armrest and pulling his feet up onto the cushion with him. The others give him his space, taking up most of the rest of the couch but leaving about a foot of space between John and Aaron.

Aaron has a hard time paying attention to the movie, instead rotating through the games on his phone for something to do with his hands, something else to focus on because he’s never really liked sitting and watching movies or TV and his chest has been feeling increasingly tight with anxiety as the day goes on.

John and Hercules and Lafayette keep a running commentary throughout the movie; Aaron has a hard time processing it, following it -- both the movie and the conversation. They all seem to be trying to impress him, which would be flattering at any other time, but every time one of them looks at him expectantly after telling a joke, expecting him to laugh, he just feels embarrassed and guilty to have to ask them to repeat it and explain the context.

When the movie ends, John turns off the TV and says, “Hey, if you need your space, that’s totally okay. We can head out -- it’s not, like, rude to need to be alone.”

“Thank you,” says Aaron, quietly, gratefully, and the trio gets themselves together to leave. Hercules pauses before they go.

“Hey -- if you need anything, you know, we’re all here for you. And the Schuylers and everyone too. I know it’s a lot, but we’ve got your back.”

“Thank you,” Aaron says again, feeling like he’s grasping for words. There’s more he wants to say, but he can’t find the language for it. He tries a smile; he receives three hopeful and genuine smiles in return. “See you soon,” he manages, and in a chorus of goodbyes and a flurry of coats and umbrellas, his friends exit.

 

He goes back to bed, once alone, pulls the covers over his head and tries to sleep, but the sound of the rain and the wind and thunder keeps him just on edge enough to not be able to drift off. He stays like this for nearly an hour, until his anxiety feels like it’s choking him and he has to sit up, put his head in his hands and try to breathe.

Elizabeth Schuyler | 4:44 PM  
Hey, how are you doing? I know big storms like this can be hard for Alex, and that you might be feeling it too. Do you need anything?

Alexander Hamilton | 4:46 PM  
Is there a reason for the anxiety

Elizabeth Schuyler | 4:49 PM  
I don’t know if it’s my place to say the whole story, but the gist of it is that he lived through a hurricane when he was young, but he lost a lot in the process.

Alexander Hamilton | 4:50 PM  
Oh

Alexander Hamilton | 4:50 PM  
That makes sense

Elizabeth Schuyler | 4:51 PM  
Do you need someone to be there with you? Or I could call you or something

Alexander Hamilton | 4:55 PM  
I don’t know  
Hercules and Lafayette and John were here earlier and being around people was too much but I don’t know what to do

Elizabeth Schuyler | 4:59 PM  
Hey, it’s okay. I’ve been with him through a lot of things like this, we can figure out how to get through it together. How about I head over, and if you can’t be around people I’ll just entertain myself elsewhere in case you need me?

Alexander Hamilton | 5:00 PM  
I don’t want to take you away from your own time

Elizabeth Schuyler | 5:03 PM  
You’re not, I promise. I offered, it’s my own decision. Besides, I have stuff I can work on anywhere so if you don’t need/want me nearby it’s just as easily done in Alex’s living room as my bedroom

Alexander Hamilton | 5:04 PM  
Okay. Thank you

Elizabeth Schuyler | 5:05 PM  
Anytime. See you soon

 

Aaron slides back beneath the covers and pulls them over his head again. He closes his eyes, and manages to drift off just enough that it seems like only moments later he’s waking to the sound of footsteps and someone sitting down at the edge of the bed.

“How’d you get in?” Aaron asks, his voice slurred with drowsiness.

“I have a key. How are you doing?”

“Tired.”

“I can see that,” Eliza says, smiling at him, and pats his arm over the covers. He doesn’t even flinch at the touch. “How else?”

“Scared,” he says, without his own consent -- fuck, he hadn’t meant to say that aloud, what if she thinks he’s --

“I bet. You’ve had a rough few days, and this can’t be helping anything. Do you want me to make you some tea, or find you something to eat?”

Suddenly the idea of being left alone feels terrifying. “Don’t go.”

“Okay. Okay, I’m right here. Do you want me to lay down with you? Or I could rub your back, or play with your hair. Or just sit here.”

“Second or third.” He’s still a little thrown by the concept of having this much hair; he hardly knows how to do a ponytail. If he thinks too hard about it, he ruins it, and he always thinks too hard about it. He suspects if he was able to just rely on Alex’s muscle memory, he would be able to do it just fine, but it is not so easy.

So Eliza climbs up onto the bed with him; he lays down on his front and she sits cross-legged next to him, takes his hair out of its disastrous ponytail and runs her fingers through it. He sighs; it feels surprisingly nice, and even when her fingers catch at tangles, she is careful not to pull at it. It’s nice enough that he almost thinks he might like to grow his real hair out, but then immediately vetoes the thought due to a difference in hair texture and also, just no.

He realizes, in this thought process, that he’s been able to remember what his real self looks like this whole time, been able to compare Alex to his own frame of reference. He closes his eyes. It’s all so confusing. He still can’t remember his cats’ names. He wants to go home.

“I wish I knew where I came from. I want to go back.”

“I know,” Eliza soothes. “I know. I’m sure you’ll find him soon enough. Things will be so much easier once you can actually meet each other.”

Aaron’s throat feels tight, his eyes prickling with tears, but he doesn’t want to cry. He can’t, he won’t, not in front of another person, he hasn’t cried in front of anyone else in so long, he won’t, he won’t, he won’t.

Eliza runs her hand down his back and suddenly he is sobbing and she is gathering him against her, letting him tuck his face against her shoulder.

“I know, I know, it’s okay, just let it out. It’s so much, I know, but you’re doing so good. You’re so strong. Everything’s going to be okay. I’m here. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

There’s a loud gust of wind, whistling against the building, followed by a loud crack of thunder, and his whole body flinches and he’s crying too hard to even attempt to form words, barely even able to breathe.

“I’ve got you. Nothing’s going to hurt you right now. I’m here. You’re safe. You’re safe, I promise, I’ve got you.”

 

She holds him until he’s cried himself out and the storm has begun to fade. He eventually pulls away, wipes at his face and collapses down against the pillows, trying to breathe evenly again.

“There you go,” Eliza says, tucking his hair behind his ear. “See, you made it.”

“God,” says Aaron, his voice breathless, shaky. “That _sucked_.” And he breaks into post-panic relieved laughter, shaken and grateful to be on the other side of it.

“Do you want me to find us something to eat and you can take a few minutes to yourself to get yourself together?”

“That would be great,” Aaron admits, and Eliza smiles at him and gets up, reassuringly squeezes his shoulder on her way up. “Thank you,” he says, as she walks towards the door. She pauses, and looks at him, still smiling.

“Of course, Aaron. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” he says again, as she exits the room.

 

The next day he takes as much time as he can to rest, sleeping through most of the day. He’s exhausted from the amount of anxiety he’s been through over the past few days, and wants to recover before he has to go back to work and be around people on Monday.

He remembers one of his cats is named Reality Television and feels an overwhelming sense of relief.

 

Monday, he wakes up early, having slept a more than adequate amount over the past twenty-four hours, and he decides to go and get breakfast somewhere. He goes out of his way, finds a little place that is half a cafe and half a bookstore, which seems exactly the right place to be.

He gets in line, fidgeting with his phone, until someone taps on his shoulder.

 

He meets his own eyes, his real eyes, an unfamiliar wide grin across his face.

“Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, sir?” says his voice, with barely-restrained joy, and in the space of a blink he finds himself _back_ , back in his own body, looking at Alex from an outside perspective for the first time, and reels for a moment at the flood of memories returning. _Belladonna. Popsicle. That’s their names. Of course._

He looks up at Alex -- who is a few inches taller than him, and smiling broadly -- and says, “Can I buy you a drink?”

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos make the gay happen
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @hambrr!


End file.
